Gladstone -- Now in Color

Rats Want Your Blood (and other lies TV news tells)

Hate By Numbers 93

cracked:

If that hand’s up before yours, YOU WAIT. 
5 Acts of Baffling Selfishness We Just Sort of Accept

#4. Standing 10 Feet in Front of Someone Already Hailing a Cab
Sometimes people are just dicks. They want a cab. They see a person in the street waiting for a cab. And then they get a brilliant idea: walk 10 feet in front of the person already hailing a cab and start flagging. Y’see, it’s a brilliant idea because the cab will see them before the person who was waiting before them. What is going through this person’s head? “Me first!” And not just “Me first,” but “Me first, and fuck you, guy 10 feet behind me, as you watch me take your cab!”

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cracked:

If that hand’s up before yours, YOU WAIT. 

5 Acts of Baffling Selfishness We Just Sort of Accept

#4. Standing 10 Feet in Front of Someone Already Hailing a Cab

Sometimes people are just dicks. They want a cab. They see a person in the street waiting for a cab. And then they get a brilliant idea: walk 10 feet in front of the person already hailing a cab and start flagging. Y’see, it’s a brilliant idea because the cab will see them before the person who was waiting before them. What is going through this person’s head? “Me first!” And not just “Me first,” but “Me first, and fuck you, guy 10 feet behind me, as you watch me take your cab!”

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So why does Cracked CONSTANTLY push Feminist propaganda so hard? And let's not bullshit ourselves. You do. Just yesterday you published five articles. Two specifically referenced either Feminism or Feminist backed statistics. Conversely whenever you cover anything related to the opposition you not only mislead about their views... you straight up fucking lie about them and people let you get away with it because you're a "humor magazine". So I'm wondering why you propagandize *so hard*. Why?

sorenbowie:

jetpackexhaust:

codyjohnston:

thisdanobrien:

hereinidaho:

Because we’re true believers! 

Let me take this moment to say how Cracked could have gone another direction 7 or 8 years ago, a more Maximy, Booby Gallery of the Day direction if not for the steadfast resistance of David Wong and Jack O’Brien. I barely acknowledge the side that opposes feminism, but Wong goes out of his way to understand people who are mad at feminists, and he writes about those views with more sensitivity and understanding that I could ever muster. 

To sum up: We don’t have an explicit agenda but if one comes across, It’s not one I’m ashamed of. 

Kristi is a liar. I remember the meeting where the Cracked brain trust sat down and was like “From now on let’s occasionally post articles that either directly or conspiratorially tangentially support equal rights for women so we can accomplish our ultimate end goal: Hack into the penis of every man and make it a smaller penis, or a penis that is otherwise laughable for a different reason upon which we all agree. It almost sounds TOO easy,” Jack said, as he (via the mainframe) hacked a young Robert Brockway’s penis. “I think my wife deserves my respect,” the now-neutered Brockway yelped.

#LaughablePenisRights

#NotAllLaughablePenises

It is weird that we do it so constantly, when everybody knows that people only deserve equal rights and treatment between the hours of4 and 7 pm on alternate February the 29ths. At first we worried that we couldn’t cover it all with our current propaganda budget, but we were able to transfer some funding to supporting feminism from our “Don’t be an asshole” budget because it turns out they overlap completely.

Look, I get it buddy. You’re pissed off because you’ve tried to be a good person your whole life and still you feel like you’ve been consistently stripped of the things you thought were guaranteed , and now there is a whole organized movement saying you still have too much, that you, just trying to live your life, is an affront to an entire gender. That’s a shitty feeling, but here’s the thing: no one is actually trying to take anything from you. That sickening feeling you have that your being robbed of basic human rights, there are people around you in your life who are feeling a worse version of that everyday. If you don’t believe me, look at any of the secret camera videos women have taken on the street to catch the verbal abuse they suffer, listen to any of the stories of guys who touch women on crowded trains and then smile at them as they leave because they know there’s nothing she can do about it, read any of the millions of accounts from human beings about the exhausting and demoralizing abuse they put up with every day. And you might not be the guy making them feel that way, I hope you’re not, but holy shit, you can actually help. You can help other people instead of standing in their way because it feels like another inconvenience. Finally, even if the absolute worse case scenario is true: this is one big conspiracy, Cracked and feminists and a huge chunk of the Internet are villainizing men unfairly and creating a culture where you’re no longer allowed to even voice your opinions without people getting angry- even if all of that is true- isn’t that worth preventing an inarguably high percentage of sexual abuse and dangerous objectification of your daughter/ your sister/ your wife? 

Not all the stabs at equality will be smart, or entirely on point or even helpful. This form of feminism is new, chillingly new for how long this shit has been going on, and not everyone is good at it yet, but holy shit, friend, how can you argue against the aim of basic respect for another human being?

XOXO,

Soren

I have a fun article coming for this guy.

HERE.
cracked:

Gladstone doesn’t have one of those. And if you’re not a made-up person, neither do you.
5 Awesome Things No One Is Cool Enough to Own (Part 2)

#4. Decanters
At some point in our history, people decided it wasn’t classy enough to just keep liquor in a bottle. You had to transfer it into a fancier container. Why? Not sure. Maybe they felt that if you’re pouring booze out of fancy crystal, it’s easier to convince yourself that your 3 p.m. whiskey habit is less a sign of addiction and more like sort of grown-up high tea.

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cracked:

Gladstone doesn’t have one of those. And if you’re not a made-up person, neither do you.

5 Awesome Things No One Is Cool Enough to Own (Part 2)

#4. Decanters

At some point in our history, people decided it wasn’t classy enough to just keep liquor in a bottle. You had to transfer it into a fancier container. Why? Not sure. Maybe they felt that if you’re pouring booze out of fancy crystal, it’s easier to convince yourself that your 3 p.m. whiskey habit is less a sign of addiction and more like sort of grown-up high tea.

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Robin Williams Death

Y’know, I once literally almost bumped into Robin Williams in a NYC crosswalk. He was exactly my height and just about exactly my weight. As we walked towards each other our body types almost completely lined up.  Same shoulders, knees, waist. It was startling to me and it looked almost like we were doing some vaudeville pantomime where two performers pretend to be looking in a mirror.

When we reached the center of the street, we almost came to a complete stop and we each took a step to the right and then continued on our way. I couldn’t help but notice that he’d very overtly just been crying. He looked incredibly distraught, but holding it together, walking alone in New York City. Looking back, I wish I could have asked him what was wrong and if I could help. Maybe if I’d done that I would now have a better anecdote for his death and I could make this sad event as much about me as possible.

I don’t know why he was crying. Very few or perhaps no one knows why he was crying. It is sad. We will miss the good work. Not miss the bad work. He seemed like a very nice man, but we don’t know that either. We speak too much given how little we know.

#robin williams #Gladstone

#robin williams #Gladstone

cracked:

Don’t let the logo fool you.
6 Awesome Things I’m Not Cool Enough To Own

#6. Fedora
The longing for the elegance and masculinity of the fedora is real, but the realization of wearing one in the 21st century as being the act of poseur is even stronger. That’s why even in my novel, where the protagonist shares my name, I could hardly bear to let him wear a fedora. First, I made it his grandfather’s, and then I had his best friend call him a “hipster douchebag” the rest of the book for doing it.

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cracked:

Don’t let the logo fool you.

6 Awesome Things I’m Not Cool Enough To Own

#6. Fedora

The longing for the elegance and masculinity of the fedora is real, but the realization of wearing one in the 21st century as being the act of poseur is even stronger. That’s why even in my novel, where the protagonist shares my name, I could hardly bear to let him wear a fedora. First, I made it his grandfather’s, and then I had his best friend call him a “hipster douchebag” the rest of the book for doing it.

Read More